He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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