I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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