a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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