I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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