I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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