sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i think i scared a bird with my dick
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
