you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
