I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
