Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
