i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
