the condom got lost in my hair
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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