Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
