2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
