Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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