Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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