awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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