I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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