he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
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Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
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I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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