You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
