i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
