Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
