My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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