You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
