Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
