i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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