it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
