So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
