3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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