My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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