I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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