I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
