Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
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Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
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you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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