I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
