my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
My room smells like vodka and shame
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Shame is for Republicans.
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