dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
