we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
