I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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