I think I just saw someone hide a body.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
