...so i touched it.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
