she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.