He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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