it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
