Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
