Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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