I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
