I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
