The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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