I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
