So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
