then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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