Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Randomize
