What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
