I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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