I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
she told me i tasted like america
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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