Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
