I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
