I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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