Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
