so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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