You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
